remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
where are my pants?
in the oven.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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