I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
