Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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