Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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