I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Randomize
