God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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