if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
