And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Randomize
