Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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