You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
