Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
You're like the curious george of whores
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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