Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
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