The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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