to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
