We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I would ride that face into the sunset
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize