All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
