The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
