I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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