That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize
