I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Randomize
