guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
