I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
