maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
