I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
we should paint friendship bongs
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