this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
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