i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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