2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
