i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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