I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
