If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
