she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
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