U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
3 2 1 whiskey
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
