I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
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