I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
