please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Randomize
