Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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