You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
