The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
