a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
