Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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