just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
