If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
