I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
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