Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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