So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
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