gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
