I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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