Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Randomize