My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
