Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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