i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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