I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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