I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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