i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
