Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Randomize
